remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am spending my child support on dildos
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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