I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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