dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
