i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
