i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
