dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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