Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
