i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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