We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
