Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
