I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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