I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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