how can u be prego again
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
