I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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