just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
