we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
