so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
