My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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