May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
