I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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