Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
