i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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