well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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