You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
