While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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