Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
