Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
