I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
