the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
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Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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