the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Ketchup is God's man juice
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
