I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
