i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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