I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
