He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
