i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
