every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
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You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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