No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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