1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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