whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
