all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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