i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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