honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
