put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
