She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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