tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I am spending my child support on dildos
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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