whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
