Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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