Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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