I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
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You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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