I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
