I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
