i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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