Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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