One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
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He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
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You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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