You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
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That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
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I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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